The irony of being back to my pre wedding shape after you were gone. I remembered the days when you lovingly said sayang lets not dwell on the past, I love you in whatever shape and form you are in. Everyone was saying how much I had shrunk or wasted myself away but couldnt believe to be that drastically. So tonight I open our closet and took out my nikah dress and the zipper smoothly zipped me up.

Life - The Unexpected

Life - The Unexpected

The prerequisite of death is only one. It is life itself. Being young, fit and healthy does not warrant you long life and endless prosperity.

A young family at their peak of their life together with beautiful prospects many great things for the future. A new baby, new house and career promotions. Then suddenly that picture rosy perfect life taken away suddenly with the loss of the man of this woman life, the very man whose only exisitance in the epicenter of her being. A future that she thought had written in the chapters of her life had been taken a sharp turn and replaced with a twist of uncertainties bearing a pain that only those that had experianced it before her could understood. Thankfully throughout their years together this beautiful man had taught her well, he told her many years ago that every allah swt plans for us we must always think positive for he only tests those he love most. All tests allah given to all his creation are trials that he only the creator knew his subjects could carried and shouldered on with strength.

People told her to be patience and strong. Let she tell you something. That is the only attributes that she had at the moment. There are no choices allah had given to her but to be strong. To carry on living knowing that her very exisitance is changing as the days progresses by but realising painfully all those around her still stays the same. To be able to create a new normal daily routine for the sake of her small family. To be a mother, a father and to pick up all the broken pieces trying to glue a missing jigsaw in her puzzle of life. Others said thats how they felt when their husband was away for months or days from them. You are different from her as differs as day and night. Please dont compare yourself to be in her shoes. Because at the end of the day that husband came back home in your embrace. She prays that nobody would ever experiance walking in her shoes feeling the helpless and loss that she felt. But one thing for sure we will surely definitely be there soon, being knock beautifully or painfully by death door inshallah. She had seen how beautiful the angel of death had invited her imam with the softest touch and a smile drawn peacefully on her beloved one handsome face eternally. Her only prayers may these two hearts that had been touched by love be reunited again in the paradise of allah swt. Like I had said earlier the prerequisite of death is only one. That is Life.

Love of my Life: My Note

Its been a week already the love of my life had rested at his final resting place. No words could express my grief and this aching longing at my heart. Everytime I saw my 1yo beautiful daughter I saw reflections of him into her eyes. The way she smile and her fair skin that is similar like daddy. Hubby aunty told me how similar sarah is to daddy it was as  if allah had prepared this beautiful package from heaven delivered to me and hubby one year and nine months ago to prepare especially for me. To be my comfort and to soothe out the pain slowly in time.

These past few days there are alot of 'what ifs' going through my mind replaying these last three months events. What if we knew earlier your underlying illness maybe this would not happen. But as Muslim we must not dwell on such regrets. Everyone told me everything had been written out as beautifully as allah had planned for us from the very first day we were borned. For allah swt will not burden his subject trials and tests that we could not endure. Ya allah please give me strength to carry on to always fill my heart with love and iman to you.

I am so sorry for my sombre postings. But I intend to post my thoughts and my struggles. So that one day my daughters will look back in my 2015 postings of mummy on how much babah had loved his girls so much till the day he closed his eyes eternally. I may not be strong enough today but I will try again another day. I will keep on trying untill my life resemble back to its normalcy as possible without you sayang.

Let me tell you about babah my dear daughters, he was my husband and best friend. Mummy could tell him just about anything under the skies of Allah. Never in our journey together he had ever raises his voice to me. The most funniest, considerate, generous and intellectual guy i had ever known. He care for people surrounding him. He could actually tell a very funny mathematical programming joke. Thankfully mummy is also a qualified engineering graduate. He never eats sushi or any of those he told me weird crusine but he knew his wife love a craving of those that he said "sayang jalanlah dengan your bestfriend or any of ur work bffs" 😭 I shall miss his endering names for me like isteriku sayang, my amore and alaiku. He never call me kau or you. He left this beautiful trailing of nearly 2 decades of memories that people had asked me since tuesday to redha and ikhlas to let him go. How i can do that? I had never imagine losing him at a young age in my thirties, i always foresee we will be growing old till our fifties looking forward of the golden years pushing our grandchildren prams or travelling to places that we had planned to travel. I wanted to bring you to places where I had been working before to be in Japan smelling the sakura breeze  watching in awe of how proper the people were taking the train to work every morning or standing in front of the EU building in Brussels where I took the bus there in winter every morning many years back

Till we meet again in jannah sayangku. Jadikanlah ku bidadari mu di syurga nanti.