Three years and counting

Its been nearly three years that I had finally step into the supermarket early friday morning. A routine that was so familiar every weekend morning throughout our marriage. I thought my heart is fearless and that the memories would not hurt as much as before. As I walked to every aisle I had to pull all the strength I had within me so that no fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Or else my  toddler would says "mummy are you crying again?" "Yayah know mummy always crying babah abu sopian". During the drive back home I told yayah "sayang lets not go to the mall again every friday and sunday morning okey"

Love is not the little things. It is not the phone calls, the dates, or even the memories. Love is knowing you would sacrifice things that you didn’t even know you could sacrifice. Love is selfless.
Have you ever felt your life shake ? Have you ever been hit with so much emotional turmoil to the point where everything around you becomes fuzzy and shaken? Your lungs feel tight and for a brief second you can’t do anything. You are unable to move, unable to think, unable to even react. I have. I experienced something I never thought I would .. all the while caring a toddler.

When he was rushed with the ventilator pumping oxygen into his body after five minutes his heart had stopped to the intensive care unit. The team shut the door behind them leaving me outside for nearly fifteen minutes. That was the worst fifteen minutes of my life. He was fine when I had left him for work after lunch time. We had kissed goodbye and we said each other goodluck. I had a meeting on my last day of mid planning epk conference when suddenly a call came in around three to told me to come to the hospital now. He was actually having his endoscopy and his heart suddenly stopped on the procedure table. He needed to do the procedure as the past two weeks his haemaglobin level was so low that he needed transfusion twice a week. So his doctor need to investigate the cause of his blood loss. When his intensive care dr sat down with me on that bench just the two of us putting down the news gently that his survival depends on his strength on that critical 72 hours.

Through out the next three months was so hazy taking care of him. Trying to spend time with him in every allowable visiting hours. Deep inside my heart I always pray to god that he will make it. He was my hero, my strength, my pillar and the most wonderful man that taken care of me the past fifteen years.

Just imagine when he had left I had to pick up all the things that he always did for me and do it alone. I always took for granted that we would grow old together. I had known no fear until the very day he had left me and Sarah. I missed you so much that it hurts. I dont know if I could ever love someone as much as I had loved you.

Maybe I should took time to grief and learn to let go. But my heart always took over my mind. Thats when life changing decision made. There was never space for any regrets. You just live life and endure it all.

If allah swt had turn back time I would be happy to do it all again. To meet you and fallen in love again with you over and over again. Eventhough I know you still had passed away and left me so early. One day I will bring Sarah to Paddington Station and told her this is where your daddy had stood waiting for the cardiff bound train to arrive. Our first wedding anniversary. How handsome he had stood by that arrival gate. His smile and laughter will forever resonates in my heart.

Winning is knowing standing up in every failure

Its the third school semester break today. Sarah was so heart broken when I told her this morning that she will not be going to school today. She asked maybe tomorrow then mummy? I just smiled and said yayah no school for many many days. As a three yo she still doesnt have the comprehension on volume yet.

I remembered after every semester exams there would be a parents-teacher gathering. I do like small talk but sometimes some questions felt like a bragging session. The frequent question was what rank number your child obtained during the exam. Her first exam she got 14/14. Meaning to say she was last in her class. When I told that to this one mother. I felt I was not a good enough mother. Her second exam she was number 11/13. Not that she failed any of her subjects. I had never force her too much and belittle her saying that her friends are much better than her. Everytime I just hugged her and said well done sayang. We try again okey. Just a little more.

Some might not understand how proud I am of her. Nobody knew how much she had been through. I remembered just after her babah passing she had become a recluse, always afraid of umfamiliar places and people. There were times I saw her crying wetting a pillow printed picture of the three of us. One time I accidentally eavesdropped her talking to a potrait of her dad saying Yayah rindu babah. Another occasion we were having a family breakfast with my parents and siblings, she basically wailing, kicking and screaming her tonsils out doesnt want to enter into the new restaurant. And she was just barely 18 months then. How it had broken my heart and strength seeing her like that. I only hugged her tightly and told her take your time mummy will always be there for yayah.

But I cant explained to the other parents her story. To me she had blossoms beautifully. She had made so many new friends becoming much more inquisitive and adventurous. She now taken up the love of colouring, singing and making silly videos of herself. Sure there will be  children who are acheiving tremendous milestones than her. So that is life. There will always be others who are much better than you. Dont let that be a hindrance to your progress. Presevere and never give up just like Sarah. My parents had never belittle me with what ever grades I had. They knew my strength and capability. My dad once said to me as long as I never give up and try again no matter how long it took you  as long as you get there. This the girl that crumble 1'0'  O levels slip and certificate into the bin with head held high registering to retook back my gcse the next year. When I get there he was the first person I shown the picture of my graduation booklet on the special recipients section  Ms Awg Jumaat recipient of Shirley Parson Award Best Overall Performance Student Class Of 2011 Undergraduate Bsc Safety Health and Environmental Management, School of Criminalogy and Law, Nottingham Trent University. This is from a girl with humble beginnings.  

Sarah milestone maybe small to compare but this silly mummy is so proud of you sayang. Its not how you start the journey as long as you cross the finishing line thats matter. No feat is too small or too great. The greatest victory is victory over yourself.

A proud mummy.

My Amelia found mama's new stash of books. Its been a long time I havent bought any new books or downloaded e-books. Nearly two years ago exactly as around same time last year my usual bookstore where I had an order of my monthly magazines kept on calling me saying my back orders of few months of books needed to be collected or they will make a special delivery to me to the hopspital. I understood with emphaty my usual store assistant whom I became friend with was worried about me but also she was worried that she had to forked out my books from her pay that was very expensive. From then on I had cancel all my magazines and no longer on their calling lists for new books in store.
Reading reminises me to the days i would curled up beside hubby while he was reading his literatures or researching for his resources. I am his proof reader, I am his editor and I drafted the words into sentences whenever he had an epiphany for his work.
You read to get out of your world of reality. Be in the world that the writer had spun for their hero or heroine. But when your life resemble or was given trials upon trials of events that tested beyond the endurance of your mind to an extend of kneeling down to your knees asking for god why me? I stop reading as my life colour more than the books I read. But as Ustaz Sheik Ali Jabbir told me two years ago to put faith in allah love and his devine plan for my life. He told me to pray for duha just as the sun is nearly at noon as that is when allah will give and granted through his love regardless how much sinned we had committed for he is the all forgiving and loving. Thank you to my new friend that I call kaka whom miraclously entered in my life and bring sheik just by hubby bed to recite the most beautiful duaa for him just hours before he left me. "Putting faith in action is about believing and achieving"(Nick Vujivic). As I read through, it say that we need faith to go through in this life. We only have one life to live in this temporary duniya. Put faith in yourself, you can go beyond your strength of limits, trust me I was there a few times but most importantly to place your faith and belief in God loving grace for his divine plan for you

What is all left are our memories together. But those memories are what made me and Sarah stronger everyday. If only you are still here to make many more beautiful memories with Sarah but allah swt loved you more babah. She had now starting to forget about you. I cannot blame her for that as her happy memories with you was only within 18 months of her age. But this mummy will try my best to carry you inside her heart forever. All that she had left is just your name on her official papers that they couldnt denied you will always be a part of her. Rest in peace my love. We will always love you. Al fatihah. She will no longer have those big hands to hold her throughout her lifetime.