Its been nearly three years that I had finally step into the supermarket early friday morning. A routine that was so familiar every weekend morning throughout our marriage. I thought my heart is fearless and that the memories would not hurt as much as before. As I walked to every aisle I had to pull all the strength I had within me so that no fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Or else my toddler would says "mummy are you crying again?" "Yayah know mummy always crying babah abu sopian". During the drive back home I told yayah "sayang lets not go to the mall again every friday and sunday morning okey"
Love is not the little things. It is not the phone calls, the dates, or even the memories. Love is knowing you would sacrifice things that you didn’t even know you could sacrifice. Love is selfless.
Have you ever felt your life shake ? Have you ever been hit with so much emotional turmoil to the point where everything around you becomes fuzzy and shaken? Your lungs feel tight and for a brief second you can’t do anything. You are unable to move, unable to think, unable to even react. I have. I experienced something I never thought I would .. all the while caring a toddler.
When he was rushed with the ventilator pumping oxygen into his body after five minutes his heart had stopped to the intensive care unit. The team shut the door behind them leaving me outside for nearly fifteen minutes. That was the worst fifteen minutes of my life. He was fine when I had left him for work after lunch time. We had kissed goodbye and we said each other goodluck. I had a meeting on my last day of mid planning epk conference when suddenly a call came in around three to told me to come to the hospital now. He was actually having his endoscopy and his heart suddenly stopped on the procedure table. He needed to do the procedure as the past two weeks his haemaglobin level was so low that he needed transfusion twice a week. So his doctor need to investigate the cause of his blood loss. When his intensive care dr sat down with me on that bench just the two of us putting down the news gently that his survival depends on his strength on that critical 72 hours.
Through out the next three months was so hazy taking care of him. Trying to spend time with him in every allowable visiting hours. Deep inside my heart I always pray to god that he will make it. He was my hero, my strength, my pillar and the most wonderful man that taken care of me the past fifteen years.
Just imagine when he had left I had to pick up all the things that he always did for me and do it alone. I always took for granted that we would grow old together. I had known no fear until the very day he had left me and Sarah. I missed you so much that it hurts. I dont know if I could ever love someone as much as I had loved you.
Maybe I should took time to grief and learn to let go. But my heart always took over my mind. Thats when life changing decision made. There was never space for any regrets. You just live life and endure it all.
If allah swt had turn back time I would be happy to do it all again. To meet you and fallen in love again with you over and over again. Eventhough I know you still had passed away and left me so early. One day I will bring Sarah to Paddington Station and told her this is where your daddy had stood waiting for the cardiff bound train to arrive. Our first wedding anniversary. How handsome he had stood by that arrival gate. His smile and laughter will forever resonates in my heart.
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