My Post Thought : Circa February 12th 2006

Apparently I had found my writing in my harddisk dated back in 2006 while I was studying in Cardiff. I might have a lot of spare time to wrting my thoughts. How I wish I could give this post to my late husband to read and si I could see he made his silly smile that I love so much.

 

Febuary 12, 2006

Venue: Malefant Street, Cardiff Wales

 Two days to go for Valentine’s Day. How could love be confined by expressing it on a single day in a year thing? Beside nowadays Valentine’s Day is so commercially rated that it has no face value what so ever anymore; not that I’m being sarcastic and callous. It is one person opinion and judgment at the end of the day.

My husband and I had never express ourselves during this loving day; he is a non believer of a one off thing and that you should express whatever you wanted to express at any time of the day throughout the year. Hey there are 356 days of freedom of expression.

The only celebrations that we have would be birthdays, anniversaries (the memorable and worth remembering ones). I have a friend who celebrated their monthly anniversary; to me if you have too much of a good thing is also bad; for me it would depreciate its true value. But who am I to patronize my friend belief of happiness. Not me.

Do you really believe in destiny? That no matter what path in life that you had chosen you would eventually met your soul mate, you know those near misses of meeting the one in the past and sooner or later your paths would eventually crosses one another and love strikes!

I’m not a true believer in that but my journey of finding my soul mate is not a smooth one. It has its bumps and misses opportunities. If I haven’t made the right decision in my path would I have met my husband in another path? I think so, we are just God’s creation and whatever lay in front of us is full of uncertainties. If I had not made that one decision; destiny would have played to our parts and make our paths crossed on maybe some other decisions that I might took.

My story of love would just be a grain of sand on a panoramic stretch of sandy beach. Others might have a tear-jerk, heart wrenching stories than me just to find true love. Others might search true love and embark in a frustrating journey and yet to find it just right under their noses; right back to where they had first started the journey itself.  It is not serve on a silver platter; if it is so; the savory and sweetness of victory of finding it would just be bland and without worth; isn’t it?

Let me start with my story; we went to the same college but our paths had never crossed one another. I met people and made friends along the way (not mentioning some enemies too) sailed through the course as one of the high achievers.

At the end of the day; it comes to the decision of pursuing a career in my field or studying at a higher level. And I choose the later. I applied to three different places. My first choice would be applying for a scholarship to UK doing chemistry, second choice (my mum’s choice though as to me its my last resort) doing it in Kuala Lumpur at University Malaya doing chemistry too and my last choice doing it locally in my country but changing my course to engineering. My decision of taking chemistry also plays an important part in my destiny of finding true love.

My first choice was rejected as due to the fact that chemistry has no market career wise at that time; if I were to change it to food and nutrition I would stand a higher chance of getting the grant but I was adamant of taking my initial course. I should tell you that I am quite a stubborn and strong headed person. When I said black, it would always be black and never change to white. As for the second choice I got the letter of acceptance and I secretly tore it apart and would rather burnt it than giving in to my mum (please forgive me god for being defiant); I had never tell her this and it will always be my secret forever (from my mum). So when I got accepted to my last choice I was so ecstatic and accept it the moment I open the letter of acceptance! There was where destiny play its role in meeting the guy that I would eventually gotten hitched with!

Okay I will continue the other part of my story at another time. Insyallah.

 

(There were few more writings but I will posted it on a later date)

The irony of being back to my pre wedding shape after you were gone. I remembered the days when you lovingly said sayang lets not dwell on the past, I love you in whatever shape and form you are in. Everyone was saying how much I had shrunk or wasted myself away but couldnt believe to be that drastically. So tonight I open our closet and took out my nikah dress and the zipper smoothly zipped me up.

Life - The Unexpected

Life - The Unexpected

The prerequisite of death is only one. It is life itself. Being young, fit and healthy does not warrant you long life and endless prosperity.

A young family at their peak of their life together with beautiful prospects many great things for the future. A new baby, new house and career promotions. Then suddenly that picture rosy perfect life taken away suddenly with the loss of the man of this woman life, the very man whose only exisitance in the epicenter of her being. A future that she thought had written in the chapters of her life had been taken a sharp turn and replaced with a twist of uncertainties bearing a pain that only those that had experianced it before her could understood. Thankfully throughout their years together this beautiful man had taught her well, he told her many years ago that every allah swt plans for us we must always think positive for he only tests those he love most. All tests allah given to all his creation are trials that he only the creator knew his subjects could carried and shouldered on with strength.

People told her to be patience and strong. Let she tell you something. That is the only attributes that she had at the moment. There are no choices allah had given to her but to be strong. To carry on living knowing that her very exisitance is changing as the days progresses by but realising painfully all those around her still stays the same. To be able to create a new normal daily routine for the sake of her small family. To be a mother, a father and to pick up all the broken pieces trying to glue a missing jigsaw in her puzzle of life. Others said thats how they felt when their husband was away for months or days from them. You are different from her as differs as day and night. Please dont compare yourself to be in her shoes. Because at the end of the day that husband came back home in your embrace. She prays that nobody would ever experiance walking in her shoes feeling the helpless and loss that she felt. But one thing for sure we will surely definitely be there soon, being knock beautifully or painfully by death door inshallah. She had seen how beautiful the angel of death had invited her imam with the softest touch and a smile drawn peacefully on her beloved one handsome face eternally. Her only prayers may these two hearts that had been touched by love be reunited again in the paradise of allah swt. Like I had said earlier the prerequisite of death is only one. That is Life.

Love of my Life: My Note

Its been a week already the love of my life had rested at his final resting place. No words could express my grief and this aching longing at my heart. Everytime I saw my 1yo beautiful daughter I saw reflections of him into her eyes. The way she smile and her fair skin that is similar like daddy. Hubby aunty told me how similar sarah is to daddy it was as  if allah had prepared this beautiful package from heaven delivered to me and hubby one year and nine months ago to prepare especially for me. To be my comfort and to soothe out the pain slowly in time.

These past few days there are alot of 'what ifs' going through my mind replaying these last three months events. What if we knew earlier your underlying illness maybe this would not happen. But as Muslim we must not dwell on such regrets. Everyone told me everything had been written out as beautifully as allah had planned for us from the very first day we were borned. For allah swt will not burden his subject trials and tests that we could not endure. Ya allah please give me strength to carry on to always fill my heart with love and iman to you.

I am so sorry for my sombre postings. But I intend to post my thoughts and my struggles. So that one day my daughters will look back in my 2015 postings of mummy on how much babah had loved his girls so much till the day he closed his eyes eternally. I may not be strong enough today but I will try again another day. I will keep on trying untill my life resemble back to its normalcy as possible without you sayang.

Let me tell you about babah my dear daughters, he was my husband and best friend. Mummy could tell him just about anything under the skies of Allah. Never in our journey together he had ever raises his voice to me. The most funniest, considerate, generous and intellectual guy i had ever known. He care for people surrounding him. He could actually tell a very funny mathematical programming joke. Thankfully mummy is also a qualified engineering graduate. He never eats sushi or any of those he told me weird crusine but he knew his wife love a craving of those that he said "sayang jalanlah dengan your bestfriend or any of ur work bffs" 😭 I shall miss his endering names for me like isteriku sayang, my amore and alaiku. He never call me kau or you. He left this beautiful trailing of nearly 2 decades of memories that people had asked me since tuesday to redha and ikhlas to let him go. How i can do that? I had never imagine losing him at a young age in my thirties, i always foresee we will be growing old till our fifties looking forward of the golden years pushing our grandchildren prams or travelling to places that we had planned to travel. I wanted to bring you to places where I had been working before to be in Japan smelling the sakura breeze  watching in awe of how proper the people were taking the train to work every morning or standing in front of the EU building in Brussels where I took the bus there in winter every morning many years back

Till we meet again in jannah sayangku. Jadikanlah ku bidadari mu di syurga nanti.

My strength My life

Our favorite springtime stroll around Nottingham City Centre (2010)

My husband is critically ill after having collapsed and his heart stopped beating for five minutes last Saturday on the fateful afternoon 12^th June 2015. My whole world seems so bleak but I need to be strong for the children. From then on I kept on praying that my dearest love would never lose hope and to be strong to fight this off. He need to fight this to be well. We will survive from this challenges. When life presented you with a very difficult obstacle that’s when you knew about the inner strength that you thought you never have. I had cried so much that I don’t know if I had anymore tears left in me. My hands would tremble every time the phone rings.

Ya Allah ya rabb please give my husband the strength to fight this illness, please granted him back his health and long life so that we could raise our children together and seeing them grown into beautiful ladies. Please let my daughters have their father in every milestones of their lives, graduation, to give them away on their wedding day and many more beautiful memories together. Ya allah please save my husband and don’t take him away from us ya allah ya rabb. Please let me and him grow happily old together till jannah Aaamiin ya rabbal alamin.

Hubby is not feeling too well. He is down with fever since Monday and was given two days medical leave. But the fever is so persistent as him. Was so stressing out on him today. I told him lets get to the clinic today but like the stubborness in him, he said NO.

Why I worry much about my dear hunster? I fret and pestering him always because he is genetically diabetic having inherited it from my late mother in law. And it is not helping everytime I ask him to go for a general check up he just would not care much and declined to do so. With googling all these symptoms is not helping my ease of mind. I found out this morning his toe is very swollen. As I was looking at Sarah everytime she kept on calling her daddy name made me so sad. Me and Sarah wanted daddy to be well and being back to his usual jolly self. May Allah gave me strength such that he will listen to my advise. Maybe I should put our family picture nearby his bedside just a reminder that he need to be well for the sake of us.

Get well soon hunster xxxs please you need to get well.

SIMPLE BAKED CHEESECAKE

Rina's Blueberry Cheesecake

Some friend requested for my Blueberry cheesecake so to share the love of sweet cakes. Enjoy dearest friends smile emoticon

Biscuit Base

Ingredients: Pastry Base 200gm Biskut Marie (Any digestive biscutis) –food processed it into crumbs (I used the chocolate marie biskut) 80gm Melted Butter 50gm Confectioner Sugar

Combine biskut marie with confectioner sugar. Pour the melted sugar and mixed until well combined.

Lined oil paper inside a square cake tin 9" (I used a square cake tin with a removable base) and poured the crumbs mixture and press the biscuit base until compact. Chilled in the chiller for 30 minutes.

Cheese Mixture

Ingredients:     2 boxes of 250 gram of Philadephia Cheese (Cream cheese) – I took it out from the firdge and left it to room temperature until softens, 100 gm confectioner sugar (icing sugar), 1 whole egg and 3 egg yolk (my egg size is Size C – since hubby loves to buy small eggs as he told me that big eggs make him nauseated), Blueberries filling, Vanilla extract.

Creamed sugar and cream cheese until pale and fluffy. Slowly add in the eggs and vanilla extract until well combined. Fold in few spoonful’s of the blueberry filling until it create a lovely swirling effect (I just love how the purple swirl of blueberry made with the white cream cheese)

Took out your cake tin from the chiller and pour your cream cheese mix on top of the biscuit base. Cover your cake tin  base with aluminum foil (so that no water seeps into your tin) and place onto a bigger cake tin such that your outer cake tin is poured with hot water. Carefully place your cake tin into a pre-heated oven of 150 – 180 degrees celcius for about 40 minutes until your top layer becomes golden. Let it chill in the oven first then place it in the firdge for about 1 hour so that your biscuit base is firm.

Decorate the cake with the rest of your blueberry fillings.

Other ideas: you can change it into oreos, strawberry filling or lemon filling. Anything that you love.

Blueberry Cheesecake

This one is from a demo class on many Sundays ago I had given to hubby cousin who is keen to learn on the cheese cake making.

 

 

 

 

Strawberry Cheesecake

I just love the red cheerful strawberry filling .. yumms

Sambal Kacang (Savoury Paanuts & Anchovies)

 

 

My family love to eat peanuts and anchovies cooked with savoury sticky sauce - its a combination of chillies, sugar and honey, trust me it is very tasty and you couldn't put the bowl down till it finishes.

Ingredients:

Red peanuts ( I prefer this type as it have a sweeter and nutty taste that I love)

Dried Anchovies (there are many kinds of anchovies sold at any oriental shop; I preferred the medium size ones)

Vegetable oil

Shallots (thinly sliced)

Garlic (thinly sliced)

Dried chilli paste

White Sugar

Honey

Salt to taste (Add salt sparingly as the anchovies are already salty)

Direction:

1. Fry your red peanuts and anchovies separately using the Vegetable oil. Set aside to cool.
2. On a new pan add few tablespoon of the used oil to fry the shallot and garlic until they are golden brown (make use you don't burn the garlic or else it will left a bitter aftertaste)
3. Add in your chilli paste (you can make your own chilli paste by boiling dried chillies with water and salt; then drain in the excess water left to cool; then blender the boiled chillies into a paste) until combines
4. Add in your sugar and honey, stirred until the sugar melted. Once melted turn of your heat and pur your peanuts and anchovies. Stir untill well combined. Enjoy xx

 

Nasi Minyak Kunyit (Tumeric Rice) & Daging Rendang (Rendang Beef)

 

Nasi Minyak (Fragrant Rice)

Ingredients:

2 cups of washed and drained Thai Fragrant Rice (its an Asian short grain rice - easily found in any local Asian/Oriental Supermarket)

1 Medium sized White Onion (diced)

2 cloved of garlic (diced)

5 tablespoon of Ghee

5cm Cinnamon Stick

2 Star Anise

5 Cardamons

5-7 peppercorns (Dont grind them - just add it as it is)

2 teaspoon of tumeric powder

Salt and Sugar to taste

Directions:

Add ghee to your heated pan. Once your ghee has liquidfied add in the dice onion, garlic, cinnamon, aniseed and cardamon. Sauted until its fragrant (do be carful with the garlic so that it wont be burned - as burnt garlic will give a bitter aftertaste). Once fragrant add in the rice and slowly stirred it untill fully incorporated. Once incorporated, turned off the heat and transfer the rice into a rice cooker. Add an equal amount of water into the rice cooker (if you are cooking 2 cups of rice I always do add an equal amount of 2 cups of water), add in the tumeric powder, the pepper seeds and salt & sugar to taste.

Rendang Daging (Beef Rendang)

Ingredients:

Roughly I had around 300-400gms of beef - Sliced it in cubes

Vegetable oil

Kaffir leaves (lime leaves)

5cm of Cinnamon

2 Star anise

5 Cardamons

(5 cm of fresh tumeric, 10 shallots, 5 cloves of garlic, 3 chillies (if you wanted a milder version you can add just one chilli), 1 lemongrass, 2 teaspoons of curry powder : all of these placed in a food processor until it form a paste)

1 tin (around 250 ml of Coconut milk)

2 tablespopon of kerisik (toasted dessicated coconut - nowadays you can find kerisik in the local oriental supermarket)

2-3 teaspoons of grated gula melaka (if you can't found a gula melaka you can substitute it with muscavado sugar)

Salt to taste

Direction:

Heat your pan (medium heat) and add in the vegetable oil, saute your paste, cinnamon, star anise & cadamons, stirred it always so that the paste would not be burnt or else it wouold be very bitter. When you found that the vegetable oil had split from your paste you would know that you are ready to put in your diced beef, stirred the beef until fully incorporated. Add in the kaffir leaves and your coconut milk. Cooked it slowly until it is reduced ( it is quite a long process - it takes around 45 mintures to an hour on medium heat and stirred occasionally - that is why i prefer to used a non stick pot) As rendang is done in stages, you initially boiling or simmering it until the sauce thicken, then continue to cook it until the sauce dried up and it seems to be stir frying the beef. Add in the gula melaka and salt to taste.

Enjoy xx

 

1st Quater 2015 : Reflecting the good times

I had not been actively blogging ever since Sarah came along into my small family. I just could not believe the joy and happiness that she brings into our lives. No matter how my work always drag me into despair, when I am so stressed with deadlines and rushing from one meeting to another, I would just simply open up my photo gallery in my mobile phone and look up those beautiful, cute and adorable deep dimples smiling pictures of Sarah, that all gloom and misery seems to dissipate. I may sound cheesy but now I understand how those doting mothers felt when they flooded my Instagram or Facebook accounts cooing ahhing and uploading daily postings of their babies. Because now I am guilty of doing so in my social Medias. So sorry dear virtual friends.

                                                                                                                     

2014 went by like a flash, bolting in and out without me realizing that now the first quarter of 2015 had just ended. Being first time parents to a baby made us both zombified without us knowing it Sarah had celebrated her first birthday last November. She had started to walk last December, with the discovery and new world of two feet movement had open up her horizons to become a mini Dora the explorer herself. Finding joys in our cats, chickens and the occasional monkeys behind our home. She still talks in her baby gibberish talks, how I will missed those baby talks when she started to speak properly, well she did have few proper words formed already what with the usual mama, daddy and bye-bye.

 
As I mellowed myself in my mid thirties, me and hubby finds that being at home is such a joy, after a hard day at work there is no other bliss than being at the comfort of your own home. Especially on a Sunday, the three of us just snuggle together sleeping in a bit late that usual trying not to wake up our teething Sarah (she got 8 tooth already),but sometimes if Sarah woke earlier than mama and papa she would give us kisses and called out our names ensuring attention.

 Being the mellow me I find that when we went out to the malls or eating out, I analyses people making the inner anthropologist within me. Take for example few Sundays morning ago we decided to go to this popular departmental store in the city center. When I was queuing up to the cashier to pay for my 3 dollar worth of stationaries (the usual pens and stapler) in front of me is this matured lady in her sixties paying a bill of 3 thousand dollars of crystals ornaments and making arrangement of shipping them to her home. Not that I am condemning buying expansive ornaments it is her money after all.  But I am reflecting on another same aged lady I met later at the ground floor food court counting her one dollar bills such that she have enough 4 dollar to pay for her 4 packed fried noodles all in the same morning. Each lady had their own story to tell. Hubby told me I should not ponder too much on that. Never judge other people lives if you are not walking in their shoes. Maybe a three thousand dollars of ornaments brought her the same happiness and joy of a four dollar of fried noodles of the other lady. So who am I to judge? Many years back people judge me and my marriage worth of not having your own child. I may have a hollow emptiness in my heart from craving a child but I lead life to my fullest. I give to those in need, I am a seasoned traveler, I venture to places to seek an education and have a career that I am proud of. All this with the loving support of a man that had the biggest love for me. His broad shoulder during that many years would support my big fat tears of longings. His strong hands that always hold mine in our journey in life together. For that I am ever so grateful to the creator.