Love of my Life: My Note

Its been a week already the love of my life had rested at his final resting place. No words could express my grief and this aching longing at my heart. Everytime I saw my 1yo beautiful daughter I saw reflections of him into her eyes. The way she smile and her fair skin that is similar like daddy. Hubby aunty told me how similar sarah is to daddy it was as  if allah had prepared this beautiful package from heaven delivered to me and hubby one year and nine months ago to prepare especially for me. To be my comfort and to soothe out the pain slowly in time.

These past few days there are alot of 'what ifs' going through my mind replaying these last three months events. What if we knew earlier your underlying illness maybe this would not happen. But as Muslim we must not dwell on such regrets. Everyone told me everything had been written out as beautifully as allah had planned for us from the very first day we were borned. For allah swt will not burden his subject trials and tests that we could not endure. Ya allah please give me strength to carry on to always fill my heart with love and iman to you.

I am so sorry for my sombre postings. But I intend to post my thoughts and my struggles. So that one day my daughters will look back in my 2015 postings of mummy on how much babah had loved his girls so much till the day he closed his eyes eternally. I may not be strong enough today but I will try again another day. I will keep on trying untill my life resemble back to its normalcy as possible without you sayang.

Let me tell you about babah my dear daughters, he was my husband and best friend. Mummy could tell him just about anything under the skies of Allah. Never in our journey together he had ever raises his voice to me. The most funniest, considerate, generous and intellectual guy i had ever known. He care for people surrounding him. He could actually tell a very funny mathematical programming joke. Thankfully mummy is also a qualified engineering graduate. He never eats sushi or any of those he told me weird crusine but he knew his wife love a craving of those that he said "sayang jalanlah dengan your bestfriend or any of ur work bffs" 😭 I shall miss his endering names for me like isteriku sayang, my amore and alaiku. He never call me kau or you. He left this beautiful trailing of nearly 2 decades of memories that people had asked me since tuesday to redha and ikhlas to let him go. How i can do that? I had never imagine losing him at a young age in my thirties, i always foresee we will be growing old till our fifties looking forward of the golden years pushing our grandchildren prams or travelling to places that we had planned to travel. I wanted to bring you to places where I had been working before to be in Japan smelling the sakura breeze  watching in awe of how proper the people were taking the train to work every morning or standing in front of the EU building in Brussels where I took the bus there in winter every morning many years back

Till we meet again in jannah sayangku. Jadikanlah ku bidadari mu di syurga nanti.